How Much Sex is Too Much Sex?

This question came up many years ago during a conversation about marital sex. A couple in relationship stress were with friends, when the man suddenly said “I like sex more than my wife”. All eyes stayed with him a few moments, and then, as if choreographed, all together turned to the wife. She meekly said “I can’t satisfy my husband, because he likes too much sex”. Again, as if rehearsed, all eyes looked to the floor for another few moments, before, one by one, gently, carefully, coming back up. No-one could look at either of them. No-one wanted to be accused of taking sides.

Who has been schooled enough in the area of handling marital relationships? Those with professional counselling skills know that this is the make or break point in most relationships, and needs to be handled with absolute caution. Many relationships are sick and on the verge of collapse because the protagonists in the marriage cannot speak about the real issues. Instead, counsellors are lumbered with hours of accusations that almost bother on witch-hunts, such as “he didn’t take out the bin three times in a row”; “she burnt my favourite food”. The list is endless. The real issue started hours ago, in the bedroom. Many people were brought up in a way that does not encourage talking about these issues. They get married because they claim to love each other, and proclaim their love for one another before many witnesses.

On the other hand, some people feel that they should live together first before determining if they are “right” for one another. Common Law arrangements have all the stress and problems of real marriages, without all the benefits. I always ask myself why anyone would want to go for a “Test Marriage”, especially the women. People have been conned, for too long, that marriage has no benefits, until you try it out first. So, what if you try it out, and you don’t like it? Does that erase the years you spent together as ordinary “partners”? That’s another word I like very much “partnerships” because of the business profitability angle. Do “test marriages work like “business partnerships”? A sort of “You bring, I bring: We share the profits”, kind of arrangement? If so, where is the “test” in that? After all the bible says there is “that, which every joint supplies” referring to the anatomy of the human being. Take the right arm for instance. Joined at the shoulder with the rest of the body, and at the elbow to the forearm, it is joined at the wrist to the hand, which normally has five fingers.

A business partnership assumes that each partner is good at “something”, and supplies “some degree of value” to the relationship, like our right arm. Now, imagine if the elbow says to the upper arm, “I really like you very much, but let’s just stay together for now and see if our relationship will work”. If it doesn’t work five years later, I will drop off, and you can go your own way.” Now, that would be something, wouldn’t it? Otherwise, imagine going into a brand new car showroom, and asking for a “test drive”. Five years later, three children and many photographs down the road, you abandon the car on the road, and tell the dealer, “sorry, here are your keys. We are just not compatible. That car has given me too much problems”; “he is always attracting too many women”; “she doesn’t like my mother”. Ah! Get with the program, please. Make up your mind. If a woman is good enough to have your children, she is good enough to marry.

OK, that was a diversion. How much sex is too much sex? Our couple were waiting for a response from all the wise men and women in the room. Suddenly, in about the same time it took you to read the above, the most elderly of the men in the room asked the question. “How much sex is too much sex”? Directed at no-one in particular, I guess the question hit everyone like a bombshell, because I saw every eye go back to the floor, and for a good while, no-one attempted to look up. Suddenly, the woman ventured a weak reply. “Well”, she said slowly, and brought all eyes back up. “I guess there is really nothing like “too much sex” if you are allowed to enjoy the process.” Again, all eyes went to the ground. There must be something on that carpet that attracts so much attention!

Many women are forgiving in other areas of a relationship, but when hurt during sexual encounters, they go for broke. Majority won’t say what is really biting them, because there is still that compelling need to protect the man’s ego. A wise man in a relationship needs to work more on the area of marital sex. This is not about using Viagra for dexterity. There is a certain gentility and finesse that conjures a loving attitude, which, if learned by both sexes, has the capacity to reduce the tensions in relationships. Sex education has been prominently omitted from the learning experiences of people, creating the majority of stress related and mental health symptoms we have in the world today. Every relationship is unique, because the people involved are unique. If you are sexually related to someone and are hoping for a lasting relationship, then you need to find out, how much sex is too much sex?

Sex Answers: Where Do You Find Them?

In my work as a sexuality educator I can report one thing for certain: everybody has questions about sex. They can come in the form of intimacy questions, relationship questions or just plain questions about sex. Sometimes when I am giving an educational program no one will ask a question but I will get stopped in the parking lot on the way to my car by someone who needs an answer to something they were too shy to ask in front of the group. Few things surprise me anymore.

What concerns me is where people get their information about sex. There is so much inaccurate information about sexuality floating around. People have told me they still believe you can get HIV from a toilet seat or you can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex. People who are very sex negative and want to push their value system off on others seem to stretch the truth more than a little to discourage sexual activity.

People are relying more and more on the internet for their sex education. Given the fact that many don’t receive it at home or in school they are not left with a lot of choices. If you Google any topic about sexuality millions of websites come up. How do you sort out the fact from fiction? It can be very difficult for someone who doesn’t know what they are looking for.

That is why is it is important to look for reputable websites that have people with good credentials working for them. People who have expertise in sexuality are the best resources. You can always Google them as well and check them out and make sure they are the real deal. Look at the “About” section of the website and see who is running the show. How are they funded? It is from a non-biased fact based organization or a place that has its own agenda? Do they have resources for you to find more information or go for help with a problem? If they don’t that may be a sign that they are not the best place for accurate information.

It can be hard to ask questions about what for many is a very personal topic. One benefit of the internet is it allows people to remain anonymous. And I have to give props to those that realize they need to learn or have an issue and know they need to deal with it for even taking that first step and starting to look for answers. They should just be sure they are looking in the right place.

Indian Sex Psyche in a Digital Native Society

A 15-minute clip from Ina, a 1982 Malayalam film by popular director I.V. Sasi that deals with youthful lust and child marriage, is the most viewed Indian video on YouTube. It has more than 117 million views, and it appears to be the only Indian video to have more than a 100 million YouTube views.

Ina was a trendsetting movie which received many positive reviews during a time when even talking about sex was considered as a taboo in Kerala. Many parents of the 80’s were reluctant to send their kids to watch this movie as they thought it would corrupt their children. “My mom was an adherent moviegoer. She never stopped us from watching movies, but when Ina released, she was so unyielding to our requests and every time she came up with some kind of excuse. Only later in our life did we understand the real cause of her worry” says Jayasree who is now 50.

But what makes the movie so popular on the YouTube four decades after its release? Why are the other classics of Padmarajan and Bharathan not among the list of top ten most viewed video on YouTube? And the bigger question is why only 15 minutes not the whole movie getting the maximum hits? The answer is hidden inside the top ten Malayalam videos on YouTube; they are all Blue Films.

The case of other language videos is not different, they all feature similar keywords like Sex, Hot and Masala.

This reminds me of a case where three Ministers from Karnataka were expelled from the Legislative Assembly after the CCTV footage caught them watching pornography while the assembly proceedings were in full swing. Interestingly one of them handled the portfolio of Women and Child Development Ministry. When Google India released the report of the most searched personality of 2013 in last December, the Indo-Canadian former pornographic actress Sunny Leone was way ahead of Shah Rukh Kahan and Sachin Tendulkar. The Google trends report shows that the volume of search for the term “porn” has more than doubled since 2010 – 2013. These reports indicate that porn is freely available to anyone in India who has access to internet, regardless to their sex and age.

The writing on the wall is so clear; the number of people who are becoming addicts of pornographic videos and the increase in cases related to sexual abuse in India are in a proportionally high level.

New technology in the hands of the young, who uses it irresponsibly, could lead to a catastrophe. The new generation (which the techies call as the “digital natives”), are less guided by their parents and teachers (tagged as digital immigrants) as they are less informed about the new world of gadgetry. Teens have an inquisitive mind, which is controlled by peer pressure. But when pornography becomes their answer for sexual inquisitiveness, they become perverts. MMS Porn videos of students, circulating in schools in Kerala have been reported many times by the media. In some cases the victims have even went to the extent of committing suicide. According to a study conducted on 1000 students of both sex, 47% of high school boys and 29% of high school girls talk about porn in their classrooms.

What is more startling is the kind of videos the young prefer to watch. According to webmaster report of a website, the keywords searched for entering a porn site has changed over the last few years. A few years back people used short keywords like Rape, penetration, oral, anal, lesbian, gay etc. to make their porn search, but now the terms have become more violent and inhuman, with the user searching for what exactly he/she needs.

In India watching porn is considered legal but distributing or publishing pornographic content is considered as a crime under laws laid down in Sec.292 of the Indian Penal Code, which came about by Act 36 of 2000. According to Alexa Ranking of top 500 Indian Website 24 are porn sites. The legal machinery in India has failed to take action against these sites that even publish child pornography. A report of Optenet says, 40% of the web is made up of pornographic sites. As the WWW is open to all, including teens to consume porn materials, these sites are just a click away from reaching them. The search for these sites begins with simple googling of their peer doubts, which can be answered if they are given proper awareness in schools.

A few years back when the Government of Kerala introduced Adolescent Education Programme on the recommendation of UNESCO there was stiff opposition from the church saying the programme will lead to “sexual anarchy” in the state. The programme was intended to give awareness about sexuality and sexually transmitted diseases to class IX and class XI students of more than 4,000 high schools and higher secondary schools. Due to controversies the programme didn’t took off in Kerala. The same happened in the states of Karnataka, Gujarat, Maharashtra and Madhya Pradesh. But Tamil Nadu implemented this programme long back in 1997 and it has been proved successful.

India lacks Sex education; this is a fact which is overlooked during discussions on fighting rape and other cases of sexual abuse. Rather than fighting for a law to castrate the rapist or to hang him, the discussions should extend to a broader platform were in we can put a cap on the root so that further growth is restricted for ever. Moreover sex education in schools will also reduce the number of HIV cases in India. According to Government reports 40% of the total HIV affected people are under the age group of 15-29.

An Indian American News Website reported the trend of watching pornographic videos is synonymous to all states in India but higher in the state of Kerala, which boasts about the high literacy rate.

The YouTube videos and their counts is a direct reflection of the sexually frustrated Indian youth. If this trend continuous for a long time the result would be a million youth with unusual behaviour. As a country which boasts about its youth as the way forward in achieving global leadership, Indian government should take Sex Education seriously at the earliest.

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