Sex Answers: Where Do You Find Them?

In my work as a sexuality educator I can report one thing for certain: everybody has questions about sex. They can come in the form of intimacy questions, relationship questions or just plain questions about sex. Sometimes when I am giving an educational program no one will ask a question but I will get stopped in the parking lot on the way to my car by someone who needs an answer to something they were too shy to ask in front of the group. Few things surprise me anymore.

What concerns me is where people get their information about sex. There is so much inaccurate information about sexuality floating around. People have told me they still believe you can get HIV from a toilet seat or you can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex. People who are very sex negative and want to push their value system off on others seem to stretch the truth more than a little to discourage sexual activity.

People are relying more and more on the internet for their sex education. Given the fact that many don’t receive it at home or in school they are not left with a lot of choices. If you Google any topic about sexuality millions of websites come up. How do you sort out the fact from fiction? It can be very difficult for someone who doesn’t know what they are looking for.

That is why is it is important to look for reputable websites that have people with good credentials working for them. People who have expertise in sexuality are the best resources. You can always Google them as well and check them out and make sure they are the real deal. Look at the “About” section of the website and see who is running the show. How are they funded? It is from a non-biased fact based organization or a place that has its own agenda? Do they have resources for you to find more information or go for help with a problem? If they don’t that may be a sign that they are not the best place for accurate information.

It can be hard to ask questions about what for many is a very personal topic. One benefit of the internet is it allows people to remain anonymous. And I have to give props to those that realize they need to learn or have an issue and know they need to deal with it for even taking that first step and starting to look for answers. They should just be sure they are looking in the right place.

Why Aren’t We Talking About Disability and Sex?

Most young people spend a lot of time talking about sex with their mates. All sorts of sex in fact – the other sex, our sex, how much sex, good sex and bad sex. We’re quite prepared to be upfront about the fact we think talking about sex (and thinking about it too) is totally normal and completely healthy.

Then something came along which made me realise that there was one aspect of sex we didn’t ever talk about. That something was an Oscar nominated film performance from an actress called Helen Hunt. The film is called ‘The Sessions’ and it’s all about disability and sex. I realised that we haven’t been talking about disability and sex. The issue is being brushed under the carpet and that’s not healthy. I reckon it’s time to get talking.

THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT DISABLED PEOPLE GETTING SEX AT SCHOOL EITHER

Sex education at most schools school is usually only really focused on relationships between people who don’t have a disability. This can mean young people with a disability are not informed about sex and relationships. Think it through and you start to realise this can add up to the idea that sex isn’t for disabled people. Reflected in the views of wider society it becomes a taboo subject.

You’ve probably seen or at least heard of the Channel 4 programme ‘The Undateables’. It’s basically a dating show for people with disabilities. The show challenges the view that having a disability somehow makes you asexual or non-sexual. It shows that disabled people, as much as anyone, want to find a partner for sex, love and all the other stuff boys and girls (or boys and boys, and girls and girls) do together.

Some people are concerned that the programme exploits people in the show. Actually, the name of the show give’s the wrong impression and is rather exploitative. ‘Undateable’ in who’s views – who is to judge. Jumping to conclusions about exploitation can result in sexual rights being compromised, leaving people feeling as if they can’t, or have no right, to sexually express themselves.

THE GLEE OF SEX

As mentioned above sex and disability is topical with the release of ‘The Sessions’. It tells the true story of a man with a man paralysed from the neck down who uses a sex surrogate to lose his virginity. The film challenges the view that people with disabilities do not want to have physical relationships. The idea that people with disabilities don’t possess sexual desires means that these desires are overlooked.

The film shows a man overcoming his own insecurities and fighting for a right that he feels he deserves. The film has done a great job at getting people talking and bringing issues into the spotlight.

Sex and disability aren’t addressed together much in films and TV. But remember when Artie from Glee lost his virginity to the hot cheerleader? One of the things that he said was that he wasn’t even sure he could have sex after his accident. This is a common worry and one that may make people cautious of entering into a relationship in the first place.

WHAT IS A SEX SURROGATE?

A sex surrogate is not the same as a prostitute. Sexual surrogacy is based around therapy and involves attending a number of sessions over some months. A surrogate addresses psychological as well as physical issues.

People with physical disabilities who rely on a carer find it particularly hard to have sexual relationships. Often people’s carers are their parents, who may be overprotective making it even more difficult to express sexual desires.

On one hand this can result in feelings of isolation and even shame. However some parents who are carers pay for sexual surrogates for their children when they are old enough. It isn’t part of life that a parent expects to be involved in so it can be difficult. But being open about desires can avoid resentment as it acknowledges the validity of sexual feelings.

There are some agencies that are especially for this who find sex workers for disabled people. They work within the law, have been vetted and are used to working with people with disabilities.

IN THE NEWS – SUS-SEX

Back in March sex and disability were in the news when it was revealed that sex workers were being used in care homes in Sussex. The revelations had a mixed response. Some people are concerned that this opens the door to the possibility of exploitation. Others defend it, saying that the sexual surrogates are doing something that care workers are unable to, both morally and by law.

For some, using a sex worker and knowing that they can be intimate, can give the confidence that they need to be in a relationship with a more long-term partner. Learning that they have some physical sexual capability to back up their sexual desires raises their self-esteem.

Others may not want to use a sex worker and would prefer to wait until they are in a relationship. Going back to Glee, Artie was upset that he lost his virginity through ‘meaningless’ sex – albeit as an expression by a caring friend. He was excited to lose his virginity as he wasn’t sure he could have sex. After the encounter he was left wishing he had waited.

You can make your own mind up about whether first sexual encounters are always meaningful. However this reaction in itself is a reflection that people with disabilities experience the same worries about sex and love as anyone else.

SO, LET’S GET TALKING

There’s a lot to consider. Some have concerns that the use of sex workers could lead to abuse of vulnerable people. While sexual desires are important, exploitation is a concern. Although if you follow the thought that sex workers are themselves being exploited the question becomes who is exploiting whom.

For this reason it is important for there to be open and honest conversations about the issues. By doing this, disabled people can feel that any sexual desires they have are normal.

Half of the battle is making society more aware of the issues; this is first step to combating stigma on the subject.

Gun Safety: The New Topic In Education

Lately, there has been a lot of news about gun safety in schools throughout the U.S., whether it is with new laws allowing college students to bring a gun on campus, or having elementary children sign a voluntary pledge declaring that they will not bring a gun to their school. It seems as though this topic has become something that every school should address in some way to ensure that every student understands the dangers that weapons, such as guns, can potentially have.

No matter if you are for or against guns, I think we can all agree that it is important for all of our children to be aware of them and learn why bringing guns onto school grounds can be a hazard to themselves or to others. However, many people are not sure how to go about firearm safety education or if it is something that should even be taught in schools.

According to the most current data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 3,184 children and teens died from gunfire in the United States in 2006- which was a 6 percent increase from the previous year. Of these deaths, 2,225 were homicides, 763 were suicides and 196 were due to an accident or undetermined circumstances and 17,451 children suffered non-fatal gun injuries.

With these rates and the increasing number of school shootings and accidents with youth and firearms that have occurred over the last few years, more and more schools across the country are providing their students with weapon safety classes. Most of the programs that are offered are similar to other education programs such as drug and alcohol education like D.A.R.E. or Sex Ed. A majority of the time, local law enforcement and fire crews come in and do activities with the students, such as demonstrations, videos, role playing, coloring and more.

“Gun education is not mandatory in any state as far as we know, but of course we think all schools should have it,” said Heidi Cifelli, manager of the National Rifle Association’s Eddie Eagle Gun Safe Program. “Gun education is the best way to save young lives.”

Right now, there are two programs that a majority of the schools who offer gun safety are using. The first is the Eddie Eagle Gun Safe Program which is put on by the National Rifle Association. This program provides K-3 students the basics of gun safety with the popular slogan. If you see a gun: Stop! Don’t Touch. Leave the area. Tell an Adult. The program provides students with a workbook with various activities, as well as small rewards for participating and completing the program. The program is taught by the school’s local police departments and has been used by schools nationwide since 1988.

The second program that schools have been using is the Straight Talk About Risks (STAR) program. This K-12 program is put on by Center to Prevent Handgun Violence and includes a number of videos and role playing activities to teach younger students what to do when they come across a gun or weapon of some sort, how to oppose peer pressure to play with guns, and how to differentiate real-life violence from television violence. For the older students, the program presents activities that teach coping skills, decision-making skills, refusal skills for resisting peer pressure, and conflict management skills.

No matter what your stance on guns are, or what program your school uses, it is important that our children get some form of firearm safety whether it is at school or at home. It is important to keep our children safe, and by educating them on firearm safety, hopefully we will see a decrease in gun related incidents or deaths.

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